The Onion...by Cliff

When Mitt Romney suspended his campaign earlier this week, he gave a speech that was so ludicrous, so asinine, so unbelievable that I thought The Onion had started speech-writing. And that gave me an idea. So I wrote a news article. Believe it or not, the Romney quotes are real...everything else is a tad bit exaggerated.

Democrats form coalition of cowardice

Yesterday afternoon in a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference, Mitt Romney suspended his presidential campaign.

“Today we are a nation at war.” Romney said, “And Barack and Hillary have made their intentions clear regarding Iraq and the war on terror: They would retreat, declare defeat…Frankly, in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.” Mr. Romney’s decision to accept defeat in his campaign while denying defeat in Iraq was widely praised by conservative pundits. Some applauded Romney’s selfless departure from the race and many more were simply relieved that the former Massachusetts governor could now stop wasting his money and their time.

For their part, the Democratic candidates spent much of Thursday afternoon offering responses to Romney’s assertions about their patriotism.

Barack Obama held a town hall meeting to address Romney’s accusations. “Mitt Romney stated today that I had made my intentions clear regarding Iraq and the war on terror. Perhaps I have not been clear enough. I am not only in favor of diplomacy, but I also have every intention of retreating, declaring defeat and bowing down to the fanatical terrorists in Iraq and throughout the world. That is my dream for these United States of America. In fact, today I will release a plan for converting the White House into a golden domed mosque, complete with signs in Arabic proclaiming America’s identity as the Great Satan. We have waited long enough for a leader with the courage to retreat. Our time has come. We are the cowardice that we have been waiting for. Allah akhbar. Yes we can.” The crowds in Nebraska cheered raucously as Obama completed his inspirational speech, chanting “Yes. We. Can…Yes. We. Can.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton frantically scheduled a press conference, attempting to establish her credentials as a fearful traitor in her own right. “My opponent talks of surrendering. Well, I have been surrendering for 35 years, and I believe I represent the kind of experience this country needs as it begins ceding territories to terrorists throughout the world. It’s fine and good to talk about changing the White House, but the question is who’s most prepared to yield to foreign threats from day one. I am that candidate.” Senator Clinton then started to cry.

When asked about her comments, Clinton responded, “A lot of people have been under the impression that we simply disagree with conservatives. I believe they have missed the point: we are cowardly traitors and they are brave warriors for democracy. As the primary season draws to a close, we need to highlight those differences. Without getting personal, of course.”

Despite Romney’s accusations, voters continue clamoring for change. When asked about the Democratic candidates’ newly announced surrender initiatives, many voters applauded, as citizens appear inexplicably eager to vote for traitors and donate to weak-willed liberals. An AP Poll asked likely voters for their thoughts regarding Obama’s White House Mosque plan. While 16 percent of voters stated they always knew Obama was a Muslim extremist, 62 percent thought cowardice deserved a try given how poorly eight years of imperialistic patriotism had turned out. Interestingly, the other 22 percent assumed the quotes were manufactured by Bill Clinton. No matter their opinions, voters were universally in favor of Romney’s withdrawal. Chicago-area voter Joseph Gruber commented, “I don’t mind retreating, so long as we won’t have to listen to him anymore.”